finding myself

i struggle to find my way. i struggle to be true to that within me, to follow my own path. i spent most of my life being none of who i am, and i now pursue everything i am meant to be. people talk about someone "finding herself" as though we can do it by looking under a rock or behind a tree. finding oneself is not so easy a thing to do. coming anywhere close to finding myself has been my hardest work, and it has been all about going inside of me. finding my own way from the inside feels as much of a struggle as following a thread through a thunderstorm, but if i am especially attentive, my way seems to be made clear. seeing my way is only half the work, however, as i must also find the courage to follow that way.

i suppose everyone has questions about how she is or who she is supposed to be, or maybe i have been more uncertain than most. however that may be, i spent most of my life struggling with accepting my own self and only in very recent times have i been becoming the woman i am now, one softly confident and strong enough to follow her own path.

many things make up one's path and each element is as necessary as another, each one contributing to what the destination becomes. any photographer knows this, how any single element in the frame changes the whole picture if that one thing is altered or absent. the same with my path. writing this site has been an important part of my path, part of my becoming and my being who i am. some say my writing this site is a reflection of my being brave. it seems to me writing this site has helped make me brave (the scary part has been writing what i feel is right when all i have is what i feel). sometimes i wonder if i have been inappropriate. i wonder if i have stepped out of line, perhaps misreading my inner guidance. sometimes i don't know. and then i do know, and i am glad i have been true to my own self even if there is no one to tell me i am doing it right. i wanted to feel less alone by having those close to me be proud of what i do, but this is not always what we get to have.

it took me all my life to find this thread, this "thing" inside me that is my way. in a dark moment when i questioned if i am right to be following this guidance inside me, the words came to me to "follow her, she's smarter than you know, and stronger, too." i will be faithful in following this or at least following what i think is this. if i be wrong, i will be wrong doing what i feel is right.

i do not know how much courage is called for for us to live who we are meant to be, or at what sacrifice, but i have learned the only truth worth living is that of my own self.

i am strengthened; i love knowing i am on my own path.